I am the world's greatest employee

Taking a page out of Taylor's book, again I am at work alone in the visitor's center for a few hours, and so I thought it was the perfect time to update my vox.  There have been a lot of things going on in the emotional world of Garrett Bell over the last week.  I'm not going to lie, last weekend was a little rough on me, I think it was the first time since David left that it really hit me that he's gone, and I felt really lonely, and I wasn't alone for any extended period over the weekend, I just really missed having him around and I felt really empty.

This also coincides with the fact that I have been extremely homesick recently.  It has been a long time since I was home last, which is partly my decision, and also partly the life I have chosen, so I don't want to complain about anything, but I do miss my family an aweful lot and since midterms ended, and I hit the halfway mark of the semester, it feels like I'm halfway there, but now in the calm before the storm (aka finals) I'm left to reflect on how long I still have to go before I get home, and that's what has been rough on me.  And without David here to lean on it feels very lonely.

So last weekend Ross and I got to have a few heart to hearts, and I shed a whole bunch of tears friday night which was kind of embarassing, because there was a fair amount of wine involved, and I was just a hot sloppy mess.  But Ross was really nice and I'm really glad I have him still here because other wise I would feel REALLY lonely.

I can't help but notice some of the parallels that are occuring in my life between now and when I was a senior in high school.  I was very involved with someone a year above me starting in the middle of sophomore year each time, we got extremely close through my junior year, and senior came and they had to move on and I hit a rough patch.  Now David, if you're reading this and I think you are, don't worry, I do learn from my mistakes and I think our relationship will fair differently then my other, for instance I actually communicate with you, and have learned from you how to be less selfish (less is operative) and I can't imagine my life without you.  <3

Last time I was at this moment in life, after Eb left and I was alone in high school I got really depressed, it was a bad time, and my poor parents, I remember when I satrted resurfacing they told me it was ncie to have me back, and I had to agree, I hate that feeling of being down there.  It was my friends who brought me out of the aweful place, it's when Julia, Katherine, Danielle and I really started to get close and I really opened up in my relationships with Charlene (possibly just coincidentally because of our involvement as the greatest duo Firebird Word had ever seen, incidentally I just recalled that memory from nowehere and it's kind of tripping me out that I haven't thought about it in so long!)  And I got to know Travis and David and Alex and Mike and Kevin and all these people that made my senior year the most kick ass year of my life.  I really treasure those friendships, especially the ones that I have been able to hold onto since graduating, which is why I am so excited to see you guys this winter break.

PS mom and dad, the word might already be out about New Years.

The long and short of it, I am reaady for my triumphant return to Arizona, I can't wait to see my parents and my brothers, and even that evil sister in law of mine.  And I'm really glad that I'm going to be there as long as I am.

But, going back to the parrallels of my life, I believe very strongly in learning from the past, which is why I try (this is recent) to keep my eyes as open as possible to the situation I am going through as I am.  My dad and I had a conversation where I was telling him how much I valued my summer in CA, which surprised him because I bitched so much when I was there.  But I learned how to ask and receive help from people when I need it, and got over my pride of "making it on my own" whatever that meant to me.  I also learned a bit how to live on my own, got a good taste of freedom, and got much closer to my brother and future sister, and those are things I couldn't have gained in the rich way I did in any other setting, and I treasure that. 

So one thing I learned senior year was that I am not happy when left alone and bored.  I am happiest when I am socially interacting and connecting with people.  Again, random high school memory, one of my favorite things was when we would go to Starbuck on Tatum and Shea and sit there for hours, jsut talking.  I love that.  By keeping social I don't mean going out to parties, I kind of got over that really quickly.  I only liked parties my sophomore year, when I had first discovered drinking, now they feel awkward to me.  I much prefer moments where I can sit down and connect with people.

So knowing that about myself, I have seriously tried to kick myself into gear and start meeting back up with people who I feel I have kind of fallen out of touch with, both from the summer and the amount of time I've sepnt with David (which isn't a bad thing) so I'm trying to plan ahead so I don't dread the weekend, and also, I realize how much I missed some people I have kind of fallen out of touch with.  I do think it is the natural cycle of things, I know my mom and I have talked about it, there are just some times where I get so cuaght up in the noise of my own life that I forget to touch down to earth and look at the people supporting me.  But sometimes I just need to calm down enough to realize that however lonely I feel up in the clouds, there are so many people up there with me, even if the sun blocks them out of view.  The true test of some of my relationships is the fact that I neglect to talk to some friends for so long, but when we finally see eachother it's like no time has passed and we are able to catch up in a heart beat.  I love my friends.

Quick move on to more present news, I really hurt my back on Tuesday, and yes it is because I'm an idiot.  I was in a dance class that night and realized my back hurt, so I took some pain killers...and then kept going.  I know I know, I think I was even aware that that was a dumb thing to do at the time.  But by yesterday morning, I couldn't sit up to get out of bed in the morning.  I took so many painkillers that I had to stop for fear of overdosing, and yet I was still crying from time to time throughout the day because my back and head hurt so badly.  Evendentally when I take that many pills, I get a little wacky, specifically when singing.  I had a voice lesson and gary was amused by how off the charts I was singing, flat and sharp at any given moment.  But I was singing so high, so I was fine with it, cause I couldn't tell I was out of tune.

Today is thursday, I'm not terribly excited for the weekend, simply because I have to work open house on saturday, which means instead of sleeping in, I get to get up an hour earlier then normal.  Poop.  But I've got a date with charlotte that night so that at least will get me through the rest of the day. 

Also, in my need for a taste of home, all the christmas music has come out, and I've been easing my roomates into the decorations.  I started by getting holiday scented candels, then a decoration, then my mom sent me an advent calander like we have at home, this weekend I might break down and full blown make our apartment the north pole.  I also got my first batch of christmas movies from netflix, I think the Grinch is going to be busted out tonight.  It just has to happen.

Well that's all from me, and by that's all I mean this has been one long post.  Miss and love you all, god speed and god bless.

PS Alex, Julia is STARTING her 23rd year on the planet.  She just completed her 22nd year.  I worded it kind of weird I know.