Hey yall, so I'm updating. I'll give a full report of thanksgiving a little bit later, I am working on the pictures I took so that it will be a really interesting post. I had a great time in Maryland, and I loved getting to spend the holiday with David and his family, it couldn't have been any better. So I'll break that down when I get time.
Right now I am extremely short on that entity, time. Little Women opened last night, and I think it went really well. Since I have been in production for the last two weeks most of my life has gone beyond my control, and I have been controlled by my overloaded schedule. Especially this week as we have been running the show, I haven't been released until after 11 o'clock yet, and so I'm getting home incredibly late.
The weird thing is the fact that I don't do a lot in this show. I don't mean that in a diva sort of way, I like my part and I like what I'm doing in the show, and the last few nights I have been very satisfied with my time on stage. But I have a lot of down time during each run, because I am a dancing shadow about a half hour into the show, and then I come back for the top of Act 2. So there are long mulitple hour breaks in my night. It's a weird feeling that I am so busy, but at the same time it feels like I'm not doing anything.
To fill up all the empty time I have been burning through the Twilight series, and I can officially say that I am beyond the point of obsessed now, these books are like a drug. Someone in the cast asked me the other day why I like them so much and the reason I cited was that they are written at an eighth grade reading level, are suspensful, but predictable, making it that much more satisfying to read. I'm already on the last book and just started reading them about a week ago. frankly I just want to finish this book and move on, because it's absorbing too much of my attention.
I had a voice lesson last night, and my teacher, gary, asked me (as he usually does) at the top of my lesson how I was doing. And I sat and I reflected on it for a few moments, because I didn't know how to answer that question. the last few weeks, and especially in the last few days I have felt incredibly emotional, and really all emotions in a very intense and vibrant way. Yesterday when I was in class I got incredibly giddy and high energy and then I was slap happy, then I got really quiet and sad and angry and frustrated and tired and wired. I don't know what is going on in my emotional structure right now.
I also haven't felt very much like talking to people recently. The last few days I have really wanted time by myself, and I credit it to the fact that I don't have much alone time, I'm always around people. And usually that is exactly what I crave, for example a few weekends ago I got really depressed when I was feeling incredibly lonely. Now I just want to be by myself. And sleep. I just want to sleep.
I think that my body and my subconscious are trying to send me clues about something, like I should be concentrating on something in particular, but I can't for the life of me figure what that is. I know that there are a lot of changes happening in my life, and that a lot more are in the near and immediate future, and I am suspicious that I am supressing a lot of anxiety right now, and maybe this is just how I am subconsciously trying to bring myself to start dealing with my future.
That may be, but for right now, I just want to get through the next 14 days. Two weeks from today is when I shall be home. I miss it. I get to see David a lot in the next two weeks, he comes up here this weekend and I go down to NYC next weekend. And then I get to go home, so it seems like there is a lot for me to look forward to, which is partly why I also feel incredibly excited everymorning when I wake up.
I don't think that this makes any sense because I don't make any sense to myself. BLAH!
Done.
A quick addendum to my previous post, I feel more like myself than I have in a long time right now, an inexplicable and indescribable excitement bubbles in my stomach and is manifesting itself in incontrollable optimism. I think a great deal of it also has to do with the fact that we are finally also at the beginning of the Christmas Season, and yes, I am listening to XMas music as I write this.
I am so incredibly excited that this day has finally come, it is the first day of Thanksgiving break and it couldn't come fast enough. I always feel that when breaks come, they come right at the right time, because I'm not sure if I could have lasted another week. One of my friends pointed out it's just because I keep waiting for this week and so I am mentally preparing and setting myself up for the break, but regardless I am happy for it.
I want to start taking more pictures. I don't know what it is about being at school that stops me from taking all that many, because when I'm home, and over the summer I usually love it, but I just don't feel the creative juices that bring me to take out my camera all that often when in Boston. I thought that maybe it was just because I forget I always have my camera with me, and even when I think something would be a cool shot, I don't think to pull out the camera to capture it.
Taking a page out of Taylor's book, again I am at work alone in the visitor's center for a few hours, and so I thought it was the perfect time to update my vox. There have been a lot of things going on in the emotional world of Garrett Bell over the last week. I'm not going to lie, last weekend was a little rough on me, I think it was the first time since David left that it really hit me that he's gone, and I felt really lonely, and I wasn't alone for any extended period over the weekend, I just really missed having him around and I felt really empty.
This also coincides with the fact that I have been extremely homesick recently. It has been a long time since I was home last, which is partly my decision, and also partly the life I have chosen, so I don't want to complain about anything, but I do miss my family an aweful lot and since midterms ended, and I hit the halfway mark of the semester, it feels like I'm halfway there, but now in the calm before the storm (aka finals) I'm left to reflect on how long I still have to go before I get home, and that's what has been rough on me. And without David here to lean on it feels very lonely.
So last weekend Ross and I got to have a few heart to hearts, and I shed a whole bunch of tears friday night which was kind of embarassing, because there was a fair amount of wine involved, and I was just a hot sloppy mess. But Ross was really nice and I'm really glad I have him still here because other wise I would feel REALLY lonely.
I can't help but notice some of the parallels that are occuring in my life between now and when I was a senior in high school. I was very involved with someone a year above me starting in the middle of sophomore year each time, we got extremely close through my junior year, and senior came and they had to move on and I hit a rough patch. Now David, if you're reading this and I think you are, don't worry, I do learn from my mistakes and I think our relationship will fair differently then my other, for instance I actually communicate with you, and have learned from you how to be less selfish (less is operative) and I can't imagine my life without you. <3
Last time I was at this moment in life, after Eb left and I was alone in high school I got really depressed, it was a bad time, and my poor parents, I remember when I satrted resurfacing they told me it was ncie to have me back, and I had to agree, I hate that feeling of being down there. It was my friends who brought me out of the aweful place, it's when Julia, Katherine, Danielle and I really started to get close and I really opened up in my relationships with Charlene (possibly just coincidentally because of our involvement as the greatest duo Firebird Word had ever seen, incidentally I just recalled that memory from nowehere and it's kind of tripping me out that I haven't thought about it in so long!) And I got to know Travis and David and Alex and Mike and Kevin and all these people that made my senior year the most kick ass year of my life. I really treasure those friendships, especially the ones that I have been able to hold onto since graduating, which is why I am so excited to see you guys this winter break.
PS mom and dad, the word might already be out about New Years.
The long and short of it, I am reaady for my triumphant return to Arizona, I can't wait to see my parents and my brothers, and even that evil sister in law of mine. And I'm really glad that I'm going to be there as long as I am.
But, going back to the parrallels of my life, I believe very strongly in learning from the past, which is why I try (this is recent) to keep my eyes as open as possible to the situation I am going through as I am. My dad and I had a conversation where I was telling him how much I valued my summer in CA, which surprised him because I bitched so much when I was there. But I learned how to ask and receive help from people when I need it, and got over my pride of "making it on my own" whatever that meant to me. I also learned a bit how to live on my own, got a good taste of freedom, and got much closer to my brother and future sister, and those are things I couldn't have gained in the rich way I did in any other setting, and I treasure that.
So one thing I learned senior year was that I am not happy when left alone and bored. I am happiest when I am socially interacting and connecting with people. Again, random high school memory, one of my favorite things was when we would go to Starbuck on Tatum and Shea and sit there for hours, jsut talking. I love that. By keeping social I don't mean going out to parties, I kind of got over that really quickly. I only liked parties my sophomore year, when I had first discovered drinking, now they feel awkward to me. I much prefer moments where I can sit down and connect with people.
So knowing that about myself, I have seriously tried to kick myself into gear and start meeting back up with people who I feel I have kind of fallen out of touch with, both from the summer and the amount of time I've sepnt with David (which isn't a bad thing) so I'm trying to plan ahead so I don't dread the weekend, and also, I realize how much I missed some people I have kind of fallen out of touch with. I do think it is the natural cycle of things, I know my mom and I have talked about it, there are just some times where I get so cuaght up in the noise of my own life that I forget to touch down to earth and look at the people supporting me. But sometimes I just need to calm down enough to realize that however lonely I feel up in the clouds, there are so many people up there with me, even if the sun blocks them out of view. The true test of some of my relationships is the fact that I neglect to talk to some friends for so long, but when we finally see eachother it's like no time has passed and we are able to catch up in a heart beat. I love my friends.
Quick move on to more present news, I really hurt my back on Tuesday, and yes it is because I'm an idiot. I was in a dance class that night and realized my back hurt, so I took some pain killers...and then kept going. I know I know, I think I was even aware that that was a dumb thing to do at the time. But by yesterday morning, I couldn't sit up to get out of bed in the morning. I took so many painkillers that I had to stop for fear of overdosing, and yet I was still crying from time to time throughout the day because my back and head hurt so badly. Evendentally when I take that many pills, I get a little wacky, specifically when singing. I had a voice lesson and gary was amused by how off the charts I was singing, flat and sharp at any given moment. But I was singing so high, so I was fine with it, cause I couldn't tell I was out of tune.
Today is thursday, I'm not terribly excited for the weekend, simply because I have to work open house on saturday, which means instead of sleeping in, I get to get up an hour earlier then normal. Poop. But I've got a date with charlotte that night so that at least will get me through the rest of the day.
Also, in my need for a taste of home, all the christmas music has come out, and I've been easing my roomates into the decorations. I started by getting holiday scented candels, then a decoration, then my mom sent me an advent calander like we have at home, this weekend I might break down and full blown make our apartment the north pole. I also got my first batch of christmas movies from netflix, I think the Grinch is going to be busted out tonight. It just has to happen.
Well that's all from me, and by that's all I mean this has been one long post. Miss and love you all, god speed and god bless.
PS Alex, Julia is STARTING her 23rd year on the planet. She just completed her 22nd year. I worded it kind of weird I know.
This mad shout out goes to the birthday girl, a one miss Julia Fincher, who enters her 23rd year of life today! Happy Birthday girl! We will celebrate in December.
I wanted to post on this topic while it was still fresh in my mind and energy. Yesterday I felt the most anxious energy coming from the world, I felt skiddish and restless and extremely nervous. I had a lack of faith in the people of the country and were really nervous about what they were going to say. I am obviously extremely excited about Barack, I actually cried a little bit after I found out.
So I am finally biting the bullet and updating, because it has been over a month, and what is more it has been a pretty eventful month, so I have no excuse really, other than whenever I have time to write anything, usually all I want to do is collapse in front of the TV or fall asleep, so I'll blame that.
David left yesterday, which was really sad. He is home in MD for a little over a week and then he will be off to the Big Apple, he and his two roomates think they found a reasonable place on the upper east side (swanky) and so I will be very excited to visit him in the months to come. It was wonderful getting to spend so much time with him over the last few months so it is going to be an adjustment not having him around all the time.
Ross was really sweet last night, knowing that I wasn't in the best of moods he made me dinner and opened a bottle of red wine for when I got home, and put in Harry Potter so that I had plenty of things to distract me from wallowing too much. I think I'm doing pretty well though all things considered, seeing as I tend to brood and get very angsty at these junctions in my life, but I get to see him so soon (going to his house for thanksgiving) so my relentless optimism wins out again!
Today is an absolutely disgusting day in Boston. It is raining and cold, and Brianca likes to ask me what the weather is going to be like everyday when she's getting dressed, because I religiously look it up before I get dressed so I am prepared for the day, and for tonight it said, wait for it, rain and SNOW. Yes, snow. Ouch. Most likely it's going to be more of a frozen rain kind of deal and I'm not okay with that, not this early in the season. But in order to combat it all, I busted out my winter beanies, gloves and got myself a peppermint mocha from starbucks which I am enjoying right now as I write this (PS I'm at work...woops).
School is going crazy fast this year, I can't figure out why I feel so busy. I am working a lot this semester, so that fills up most of my days where school doesn't, but then I am working on so many scenes, songs, and I also started directing my mini musical for my directing the musical class, and on top of that I'm in Little Women, granted I am as small a part as possible, so I am not called all that often, but I do have to keep my nights free just in case they call me, which is slightly annoying. My costume for that show is so fun too, I had my fitting yesterday. I play a knight and so I have tights, thigh high boots, the poofiest shirt I have ever worn, these leather pieces that go on my arms, armor, a cape, a sword. I am happy. It's also so intricate someone has to help me in and out of it, I can't do it on my own.
I am starting to get a little antsy about graduating. I have a twitch of senioritis starting to kick in, and I'm starting to get really excited about starting my career. But also, I am starting to get terrified about starting my career. I keep getting bombarded by people (a lot of parents and advisors) asking me what I think about trying to start a career, especially with the economy where it is, and I am getting really tired of it. I really have little control over the global market, and yes it is going to make getting a job that much harder, since there are going to be fewer things to audition for. That freaks me out, but I also am just kind of accepting it. I am so uncertain about what is going to happen to me in the future, and that does frighten me a bit, but much desire to start my life is so strong that it overpowers any sore feelings I might have.
On a similar note (economics) the elections are one week away. I already voted, trying my best to get Obama in office, though I find it hard to believe he will carry my state, just a hunch McCaine might take that one. I am really kind of terrified of McCaine winning, and if he does, that might greatly influence what I do next year. I have been toying with the idea of traveling abroad next year, spending a year in either Tokyo or Edinborough (the later being the one I am gravitating towards the most right now), and If John wins next week, that might be the nail in the coffin for making that decision.
Now I am going to switch topics and become the most emo kid I have ever been. I feel like I am really angsty sometimes, and I think I need to start indulging that quality of myself a little bit more. I think people who know me might groan at hearing me say that, but I feel I have started editing myself a bit too much for my liking, and I was watching an episode of the office the other day where Pam decides to start speaking out for herself more, and not being affraid to offend people or disagree, and I think I need to start doing that a bit more too.
My final note will be that I miss home a lot right now. When I was waiting at the airport yesterday I was talking to David about how much I miss my family and can't wait for Christmas to go home. I'm really excited for Xmas break this year in general (I know I usually am but I am particuarly excietd this year). Ps, I know I need to start calling more, and I plan to, I don't know why I have been such a butthead this semester about calling my family, I've just been so lazy and most days when I get home and have the opportunity I just don't have the energy and what results are calls like I had with my parents the other day, where I was a complete and utter space case and kept drifting out of the conversation. Granted I do that in my real day to day life anyway, but it certainly does not need to be exaggerated by my exhaustion.
Bottom line, I miss everyone and can't wait for us to be together again!
Love to all!
Garrett
So I'm bringing myself to do a real update, because I have been falling so embarassingly behind! I completely blame this on the fact that I have been pretty busy with the start of school. My schedule this semester is much crazier than it was last year. I have fewer classes, but I tried to lay out my schedule so I could have a lot of time to work as well, and then I ended up being scheduled for all of the hours I had requested, which means that I don't have any breaks during my day. Not even a break to grab lunch (which means yours truly has actually started packing meals so that he doesn't starve to death during the day).
I know it has been really long since I posted, and I don't have a good excuse for the first week I didn't update, becuase I wasn't doing anything but eating and dancing, and occasionally walking around the city. However the last two weeks have been an absolutely crazy blur, and I really want to ellaborate on it, but I don't have time now, because I have to leave in two seconds to get to class. I have work later on today, and we have been doing literally NOTHING this week in the office, so maybe I'll try and update there.
