3 posts from May 2009

Ross came back the day before me to start packing because he moved out this weekend.  So by the time I got back on Friday half of our furniture was already gone.  In the apartment, everything in the kitchen is mine, and all the furniture in the living room was Ross's.  So now was have this big empty room and one less roommate.  

I think it was the drastic change in my living space that flipped my switch into nostalgic reflection.  Also the fact that we no longer have a TV.  But I keep having this mental image surface and I don't even know if it's real, like I can't pinpoint when in the last two years I'm thinking of specifically.  The image is of me, Ross and Colleen living in our apartment, so the living room was still yellow, it's winter so it's really cold outside and it's probably a weeknight but we don't have rehearsal so we are all lounging around the apartment, Colleen cooking dinner, Ross in and out of his room, and I'm on the couch eating and watching TV.

Those are the best memories I have of this apartment, the nights where we just hung out and it was so warm in our apartment and it was full of light and color and noise and happiness.  I'm going to miss it, and it feels weird that our apartment no longer looks like this kind memory I have.

I'm really kind of excited to get out of here for that reason.  I feel I'm in a pretty good mental place right now, I am decompressing which is what I need, and I'm starting to get back into exercising, I dropped the ball on that the last few weeks (I've been graduating, I do what I want).  I just feel like I'm in a surreal limbo right now.  It feels so odd to be in this apartment and in Boston when there is nothing keeping me here anymore.  

So this week I'm packing up a bunch of my stuff, clearing out a lot of collected junk that I don't need/want/use anymore, and just setting up everything so that I won't be leaving anything in my life undone when I leave for new york and later for Arizona.

The fact that I have graduated doesn't seem to have actually hit me yet.  The day of the ceremony I felt was a big step in me coming to terms with the fact that I'm not a student anymore, because it gave a lot of closure.  But I really feel like I've just gone on spring break or something like that, especially since I was OVERWORKED this semester and had so much to do towards the end and then everything finished, it just feels like I'm on a break.  I guess that isn't too far off, I am on a permanent break.

Also, for all of you lucky enough to receive a gift on your facebook wall last night, you're welcome.  For the record, there wasn't THAT much alcohol involved in the making of those, the alcohol really came afterwards (last night was Ross' last night in Boston so a group of us went out to his cousin's bar and his other cousin was really sweet and bought all our drinks for us.  That means I had a rough night afterwards).  

Well that's all for now, I'm going to do a breakdown of graduation probably tomorrow when I finish working on all the photos!

I am so full of emotions that I do not even know what to say right now.  I cannot believe that my college experience is done because it seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye, and yet at the same time it seems like forever ago that i arrived on the first day of orientation.

The commencement ceremony today was so beautiful, I have cried a few times today, and I expect the next few days  will be full of tears, and full hearted conversations.  Today was like a dream I had so much fun with my family that was here, david has made it wonderful, and I have gotten to see all of my college friends and gotten a fantastic picture with one of my college teachers (who I also started texting during the ceremony.  I was the fourth person to graduate out of 720, it took awhile afterward).

I'm trying to avoid the "what now" moment that I know is going to be coming soon, but I just wanted to update real quickly about how everything has gone.  I'm going to be going to new York tomorrow, because the last thing I wanted was to wake up tomorrow all alone in my room and realize I had nothing to do, so I will be down there.  I feel very odd and like a huge break down will come soon, but so far, I have just ahd so much fun with my family.

Also, showcase, went SO well, I have it on video so I'm going to try and get it on here in just a bit!

I love you all, I am so proud of all the people who have already graduated, congrats to all and I can't wait to see everyone!

As you might have guessed from the title of this post, I am done with my undergraduate education!  I got grades yesterday and I pulled off my final semester with straight A's (2 A-'s but still A's).  I actually finished finals a week ago, so I've been done for a little while.  However Emerson has this weird 2 week period between the end of finals and when commencement happens, I don't walk until next monday.  This timing makes a lot of sense for me because right now I'm in rehearsal for my showcase, which is on Friday and Saturday, so the last week I've had rehearsals everyday, but everyone else who's graduating has just been...waiting.  It's kind of odd.

So let's go back in time a bit.  I never really got to speak about Whorehouse.  That show was the way to end my Emerson College experience.  I have rarely had as much fun doing a show as I did this one.  The comment we keep getting from people is "Well that Book (or show) just sucks, but you guys were so awesome!"  It's true, the show itself isn't very good, but we ahd so much fun performing it, and I actually couldn't wait to get to the theatre everyday to perform it, and I haven't felt that way about every show I've been in this year.  It was also a lot of fun being around the people I have shared my college experience with.

Since the show closed I have been going on the roller coaster of feelings.  I typically get really sad when I finish a show, because I put so much of myself into what I'm doing, and I'm rehearsals everyday, then the performance high, and then all at once it's over.  And this year I went from one show to another to another, so when Whorehouse ended it was the first time I didn't have another show to look forward to.  And it ended the weekend before our last week of classes which was also really sad.  All at once I felt like school was ending and I got so sad.

All I wanted to do was be around other people, but I was finding that I wasn't very happy being around most of my old friends. Everyone is really into partying right now, like every night another party, or getting together and going crazy.  All I want is to get a beer with someone and chill, maybe watch a movie.  So I kept trying to hang out with friends, but I wasn't very happy when I was with them, and then I had a panic attack one day.  I was at a friends apartment with a bunch of people I know, and I was feeling pretty down still and kind of lonely and I really wanted to feel present with someone, like I could talk and we could relate with one another.  I looked around this apartment full of people I know and not a single person was not blazed out of their minds, and their eyes were all glazed over and they were clearly not there.  I felt SO alone, which wasn't helped by the fact that this happened during the time David's phone was dead!

I called another friend and went over and we went to see a dance show that night, and that was kind of the turn around point for me.  How I have explained this to people is, all of the people, all of my friends in musical theatre are really sad, me included.  A huge chapter of our lives is ending and a scary new one is beginning, and all the structure of our lives is about to be taken away.  We also have a safety net at this school which will no longer exist in the big bad real world.  

The point is we are all a little scared, but some of the people in my major are just not dealing with it very well, or just not dealing with it, and it has resulted in them being such complete and utter messes that I can't stand being around some of them.  They make me so uncomfortable and upset just because they have no clue how to deal with their anxiety and own problems.  And a lot of them are resorting to alcohol and pot EVERY night, which is a defining characteristic of an addict.  

So since then, I have taken it easy.  There is a list of about 3 or 4 people in our studio that I want to get in as much time with as possible before they go, and I have been doing it.  They make me smile, they make me happy and not anxious, and I have had such a good week because of them!  The other day Colleen and I went to see 17 Again (don't judge) and after the movie Star Trek was playing across the hall, so we snuck in right before previews started.  We felt so alive, which is a real comment on what squares we are.

After we got out of the movie, it was actually really late (we had seen two movies after all) so we came back to Cambridge by way of my apartment and stopped at the pub on the corner and sat outside and Ross came and joined us.  After about a minute I was like, I think I feel a sprinkle and there's an empty table right next to us under the canopy, so we moved.  Five minutes later, downpour!  It was such a beautiful moment, sitting in the warm air as it rained around us with two of my best friends with a delicious beer.  It couldn't be better than that (unless David was there ;)

Yesterday after rehearsal I went and got a beer with about half my class, and it re asserted how bad some of them are for my mental state right now.  It was an uncomfortable table and for some reason it felt uncomfortable all of us being together, I personally felt like I was going to get into a fight with someone at any moment.  I just need time away from them to appreciate them is what I think right now.

One of the people in my major, Kristen, also lives in Cambridge put together this little get together last night too, it was African dance.  Central Square is kind of a hippy commune, and they have this african dance class which is amazing, there are about 6-7 drummers going nuts on all different kinds of drums, a woman singing, and the class was such a cultural treat.  Kristen invited our whole class to the dance class and then her apartment afterwards to celebrate showcase and graduation.  She was so excited and really looking forward to this (she put it together about 2 weeks ago and invited everyone then)

Me and Colleen showed up.

Well done Emerson BFA Musical Theatre Class of 2009, I'm glad we are all able to support one another, and be there for our friends.  Kristen was really upset, she was trying to reach out to our class and its really sad that no one could find it in them to come.  Everyone has a lot going on, but we don't have rehearsal till 3 today, so it was really kind of shitty.  But on the UP side, the three of us had the time of our lives, and then went to her apartment, made pizza and had a lot of fun NOT talking about our class.  I'm almost glad no one else showed up, I'm not sure it would have been as fun if they did.

So that takes us up to now.  I am really excited for this weekend!  Tomorrow my daddy gets here, which means today is cleaning day!  Then friday is Momma, the Gma and Gpa and David.  Friday night we have showcase and saturday afternoon, and after the second showcase performance, for the first time in my college experience, I will have my family in Boston and the freedom to do whatever I want!  I'm just praying for good weather.

Also, fyi, performance schools usually do a senior showcase where they put on an hour long show where there are a few ensemble numbers and everyone gets a solo, and they invite agents to come see it.  The ideal is to get signed by an agent through one of these, which is ideal but unrealistic.  They are, in my opinion, really something of the past and a hard thing to make particular use of today.  I prefer to look at this as a big performance for my family.  I chose my song because it has what I would like them so see, me being really me.

The song I'm singing is Melisande from 110 in the Shade.  Starbuck (the rainmaker) sings it to Lizzy the title character, who doesn't think she's pretty.  He tells her she should change her name like he did (he used to be Smith. Boring)  The name he suggests is Melisande, and then he sings the story of the woman before her named that.  Its funny because he has no idea what the story of Melisande is, so he makes up a story about Hamlet being in Mexico and running off for a golden fleece and fighting a giant.  I actually get to have a fight onstage with myself.  Pretty kick ass if you ask me.  I also think the song is one of the most romantic songs in creation.

I'm calling you out on it, Melisande is one of David's least favorite songs in the world.  I'm hoping I can push it back to  maybe a song he just doesn't particularly care for ;)

Ok, that's all for now, I'm gonna get started for the day.  Hope all is well, AND congratulations to everyone graduating! I have been keeping up with Miss Julia and Miss Bracken and Korte about all your year end crazies, I can't believe we are already graduating college!  Senior night seems like it was just yesterday!  I all of a sudden feel more nostalgic about high school ending then college...weird.  Point being, I'm mad proud of everyone and so excited that we've all made it to another diploma!